Confession

I am a worrier.

I worry about things that could happen 10 years, 10 days or 10 minutes down the road.  I worry about things that could happen to my family or things that could happen to perfect strangers.  I worry about Cecilia and what type of person she is going to be.  I worry about what will happen to her if something were to happen to Brent and me.  I worry if I’m being a good mother and wife.  I literally worry about everything. 

I desperately try not to be a worrier but some days it just gets the best of me.  Last night was one of those times. 

Brent and I were watching 16 & Pregnant (don’t judge) and out of nowhere tears starting running down my face.  I tried to control myself but the minute Brent turned to me to ask a question, there was no hope.  After 9 years of being together, he knows that I’m an emotional person and knows not to look directly into the beast eyes, act calm and don’t make any sudden movements.  He’s patient and lets me unload on him but I became unhinged with he sits there so calm and rational.  How can he not worry about what’s going to happen to us when were 65?  How can he be so ‘it will all work out and be fine’ when I’m freaking out over how we are going to pay for health care when we retire?  (Yeah, it’s that ridiculous!)

I did what I do best when he's rational and calm, stormed off, sulked, cried and prayed until I fell asleep.  I hate those days when I let my worries get the best of me even though I can spout off a thousand different bible verses about worries and God’s plan for me but saying them and letting yourself believe them in a time of worry is two different things.

The funny thing is, when I’m actually in a situation where worrying would be normal and ok, I’m not.  I only had a few worries when I was pregnant with Cecilia but I knew things are out of my hands and I accepted it.  It’s when I let my mind run wild with hypothetical scenarios that have me freaked out and in doubt.
Sadly, I’m wired to worry about ridiculous things that may never happen.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve tried to let those worries go out as quickly as they come in.  I’ve been taught and believe that God has a plan for me and that He will take care of everything.  I’m a control freak and hate taking a backseat but I’m slowly learning that’s where I need to be.